Hush
by ChasingRainbows90
Summary: Jac's diagnosis is weighing heavily on her and she finds support in an unexpected place. Set around 6 weeks after Holby's Got Torment.
1. Chapter 1

**Part 1**

Almost six weeks had passed since Jac's diagnosis of endometriosis and in that time the dull throbbing ache in her abdomen had become a familiar aspect of her day to day life though she was still caught unawares by the crippling, all-encompassing cramps which snuck up on her. However, a near constant nausea had started to plague her very existence.

She was standing at the admit desk on Darwin on what was looking to be a fairly calm day when she felt her stomach begin to churn in response to the smell of the patient's lunches being passed out by the wards auxiliaries. She pressed a shaking hand to her mouth trying to block her sense of smell but she knew it was futile and rushed as fast as she could manage in the direction of the ladies toilets.

Collapsing on to her knees on the cool floor, Jac retched in to the porcelain toilet bowl, feeling the contents of her stomach emptying. When she'd brought up everything, she rocked back against the wall, wrapping her quivering arms around her shaking body and tried to steady her breathing.

"Are you ok in there?" The voice was that of Mo Effanga and Jac grimaced slightly. She still hadn't quite gotten over Mo seeing her in a moment of weakness just after her diagnosis and she'd been trying to avoid her ever since. Jac steeled herself.

"I'm fine" she tried to sound as confident as she could muster but even she could tell it was a weak effort. Slowly she forced herself to stand and with a flush of the toilet, she stepped out and washed her hands before leaning to take a swig of water.

"You look terrible" Mo stated rather matter of factly, her hands rested lightly on her hips. Jac stole a glance at herself in the mirror and couldn't help but agree with Mo's assessment. Her pallor was deathly white and her eyes looked sunken against the dark bags beneath her eyes.

"Well thank you" Jac managed to muster as much bite as she could but her body was betraying her with a slight wobble that had her gripping the skin. Mo sighed. She'd been worried about Jac since she'd witnessed the pain she was in weeks ago but she hadn't managed to find the right moment to confront her. It didn't help that Jonny was being equally evasive – although she knew he was hurting.

"Seriously though, should you even be here?" Mo said, softening slightly. She wanted to help despite Jac's ice queen personality, she was certain there was a nice – or at least human – individual beneath the surface because Jonny had to have seen something in her.

"I'm fine" Jac stated but she knew it wasn't convincing "I just need to have something to drink" she started to leave the toilets and to make her way towards her office knowing full well that Mo was a few steps behind her and seemed intent on following her. Jac tried to keep her gait steady and confident but she was aware of the shaking in her legs and how unsteady she felt. Making it to the sanctuary of her office, she sank down in to her desk chair and sighed, barely even looking up as Mo entered.

"You are not fine" Mo sat down opposite Jac without waiting for an invitation and studied her colleague more closely. Jac was always slim but she was looking even more fragile and waif-like than normal.

"It's nothing" Jac responded. A pain shot across her lower abdomen causing her to whimper and double over. She pressed a hand against her abdomen praying for the pain to abate a little. Mo leant forward on the desk worried.

"Jac?!" Her voice was mixture of concern and worry, the red headed doctor looked up at her colleague and shook her head slightly before taking a few deep breaths in the hope of steadying herself enough to talk.

"Painkillers, bag" Jac managed to sputter the words as another pain gripping her and she pressed her hand more tightly against her. Mo nodded and walked around to Jac's bag which was on the floor against her desk. Mo pulled out the painkillers and pushed a few free of the package and placed them in to Jac's clammy hand. Jac took them hoping that they would take effect quickly.

"What's all this about Jac?" Mo asked, settling herself back in to chair. She watched as Jac massaged her abdomen and a thought nestled itself in Mo's mind "Your not pregnant are you?" Jac's head shot up and for a moment a look of pain flashed through her eyes.

"No, definitely not" Jac whispered softly and she felt her heart twist a little as Jonny's words wound their way in to her head. Beyond work stuff, she had barely spoken to him since that day outside of theatre and it nearly destroyed her seeing him every day acting normal.

"This pain, it's definitely not normal" Mo stated, wondering if the look of regret she'd seen flash across Jac's face had really been there or if it had been a figment of her imagination. Jac sighed, rubbing her abdomen with her finger and thumb trying to push the pain away.

"I have endometriosis" She said finally admitting it out loud for almost the first time. The words hung heavy in the air and seemed to engulf her. She felt tears prick in her eyes "so no I'm not pregnant and I probably never will be – happy now?" she added bitterly trying to bat the tears away without being obvious. Mo sank back in the chair – the weight of Jac's words hanging heavily on her.

"Oh Jac" She said at last, unsure of what to say or how to respond – all she knew was that something have changed between them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

Telling Mo brought about a conflict of emotions for Jac. On the one hand, it felt good to no longer have the entire weight of the diagnosis on her shoulders but on the other hand it meant pitying looks and the potential for gossip to spread. After that day in the office, Jac tried as much as possible to avoid Mo but somehow whenever she felt a slight twinge of pain or wave of nausea Mo was nearby watching.

Jac sank back in to her office chair and massaged her abdomen. Over the last three days, since she'd spoken with Mo, the pain had been worse and the painkillers weren't touching it as much as they had been before. It didn't help that the nausea showed no signs of letting up or the fact she kept losing her balance and having to grip on to whatever sturdy object was nearest to her. As much as she hated to admit it, she was struggling.

* * *

"You seen Jac?" Mo sidled up alongside Jonny who was sitting at the admit desk checking on some blood results. He turned slightly to look at his best friend slightly surprised that she'd sought him out to ask about Jac. Over the last few weeks, it had become something of an unwritten rule between them that her name wasn't to be mentioned.

"Not recently" he answered, curious by the concerned look that flashed over Mo's face. Thinking about it, the last few days had felt a little bit different and on reflection he was sure that Mo's gaze had been following Jac around the ward. "You in the market for a new bestie?" he asked with a slight laugh.

"No, it's just" Mo paused for a second, trying to come up with some sort of plausible explanation though her mind couldn't seem to fix on anything even remotely realistic unless of course Jac had suddenly started breeding and selling puppies. "I need to talk to her about something" she added finally, watching as Jonny's curiousity piqued even more.

"And you can't talk to me" He feigned a look of hurt giving him the look which was a bizarre combination of child who had just been told off and dog in a kennel begging you to take it home. In any normal situation, Mo probably would have laughed or teased him but it somehow didn't seem appropriate.

"She's just helping me with something" Mo said, wishing she hadn't even asked him. Jonny shook his head slightly in disbelief.

"Jac Naylor helping you?" He gave a short sharp laugh "and what's she getting in return your soul?" he added, waiting for her to appreciate his joke but getting a sharp look in return. "There's something wrong isn't there"

"no, no I'm fine" Mo responded hastily and watched as a look of relief passed over his face before a look of realisation dawned on him.

"Your fine, So Jac isn't" He stated, unable to mask the look of concern on his face. Mo couldn't help but feel a little bit pleased that her suspicion that he still had deep feelings for Jac wasn't unfounded.

"That's not what I said Jonny" She responded, but she knew the damage was already done and that no amount of talking to him would take away the suspicion in his head. "It's ok, just forget I said anything" she added hoping he'd actually listen to her but knowing he was probably already working on some sort of plan.

"She's probably hiding out in her office" he said finally and Mo nodded.

* * *

Mo opened the door to Jac's office and peered in to the dark interior. She could just about make out the huddle shape of the red haired consultant behind the desk. Mo stepped a little bit more in to the room.

"Go away Mo" Jac spoke quietly and her voice shook. Mo ignored the, what she presumed to be, warning and stepped closer to the desk. Up close she could see how terrible Jac was looking and the glistening of moisture in her eyes. Hastily Jac wiped at her face trying to mask the fact she was specifically trying to wipe away the unshed tears.

"No chance" Mo whispered, settling herself in the chair opposite Jac. Jac attempted to straight herself up a little in her chair but grimaced and decided that, for the moment at least, movement wasn't an option.

"I just need …. to ride out the … pain … and I'll be fine" Jac spoke haltingly, one handed pressed tightly to her abdomen as if trying to force the pain away. Jac whimpered slightly as an especially bad cramp took hold of her. With her eyes squeezed tightly shut, she felt a few stray tears slip down her cheeks.

"How long has it been this bad?" Mo asked, watching Jac's features relax as the worst of the pain ebbed away. Jac shook her head sadly and ran her free hand through her hair.

"A day or so" She took in a deep shaking breath "But I'm due on and was told to expect it to be worse during that time" her voice shook as she spoke betraying her even more. It felt like such a cruel irony that she still had to bleed each month and suffering these terrible cramps when she was unlikely to ever conceive a child – the whole purpose of menstruation.

"You should go home Jac" Mo said softly "Curl up in bed with a soppy movie" it was one of Mo's top female problem cures but Jac simple shook her head. As much as she hated this whole sharing thing, being at home in her lonely flat made her feel a lot worse than being here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for any reviews :) **

**Part 3**

The next few days passed in a painful blur for Jac, who much to her disappointment, ended up having to go home to her empty flat and ride out the pain on her own. That said, she found herself feeling like she was being watched as she'd walked around the hospital on the last day she'd worked. It had seemed like everybody's eyes had been scrutinising her. Worst of all, she'd felt Jonny's eyes on her. Knowing that his gaze was following her around, felt like something was burning right through her.

Eventually though she started to feel a little bit stronger and, thankfully, the nausea seemed to have lessened significantly. She wondered how she was going to cope on a monthly basis if this was going to be the result – but she didn't want to resort to the pill as that could further reduce her chances of ever having children. To make things even more of a slap in the face, her period had even been much more than spotting – considering her pain levels she'd been expecting it to be a lot heavier.

Stepping on to the ward on her first day back, she had to force herself to maintain a confident posture and to ignore the curious stares of her colleagues. It had only been a few weeks ago that she'd been 'dying' of 'food poisoning' so the fact she'd had a second bout of illness was almost unheard of.

"Welcome back" Jac was surprised that the first voice to greet her on the ward was Jonny. He was looking up at her with curious eyes and an expression she couldn't quite work out. "So how are you?" he asked.

"Much better" she responded trying to keep the frosty edge out of her voice. She was touched that he still seemed to care for her though she wasn't entirely sure she could cope with it right now. Her emotions seemed to be all over the place.

"You sure?" He asked. Over the past few days, he'd been rather guilty of bugging Mo for any details on what was plague Jac but he'd found his friend to be extremely evasive – something she rarely managed with him. It felt strange there being this secret between them; but even more it reinforced his suspicion that there was something much more serious going on with Jac.

"Yes Jonny, it was just women's stuff" she said to him a hint of sarcasm lacing her words, "unless you've forgotten I am indeed a woman" she'd said something similar to him weeks earlier and it felt strange to be saying it again now. Then she'd been his girlfriend and her outlook had been something completely different. He tilted his head slightly, something that made her feel she was being closely examined.

"Seems you've been having a lot of issues in that area" he said finally, a kindness lacing his tone that made Jac soften towards him. "Perhaps it's something you should get checked out"

"Thank you for your advice Nurse Maconie, but I am perfectly capable of understanding my own body" She spoke as confidently as she could manage though she knew she was lying. She felt like she was losing control of herself and a lack of control was something that terrified every fibre of her being. Jonny nodded and smiled at her before he walked off to deal with a call bell that had started ringing.

* * *

Going about her shift, Jac surprised herself with how normal things seemed to be. The ache in her abdomen remained just an ache and she only found herself wobbling a few times and luckily when nobody was looking. She'd even managed to stand on the ward while the meals were being handed out without having to bolt in the direction of the nearest ladies toilets. She was almost feeling like her normal self again.


	4. Chapter 4

**I thought I'd abandoned this but I seem to have written more than I thought. I think I may have given the game away on Twitter as to the plot (so anyone that follows my timeline probably does know - so no fun there now) but still - hopefully I'll actually continue and it's ok :)**

* * *

"how you doing?" Mo asked approaching Jac rather cautiously. Despite the rather tenuous bond they'd formed over the past week or so, the fact Jac was looking rather like her old self set Mo a little bit on edge.

"I'm good" Jac answered turning to look at Mo. Up close Mo could still see the subtle signs that all was not totally well with her colleague. Her skin tone had improved slightly although she was still pale, the bags under her eyes had reduced but there was still a hint of pain and sadness reflected in her eyes and just something about the way she held herself made it seem like she was carrying a great weight upon her shoulders.

"You look better" Mo responded, giving Jac a small smile. She noticed that Jac's shoulders relaxed a little upon hearing those words. Jac smiled in return but it faltered slightly, as her balance wavered and she had to lean in to the desk to keep upright.

"But not perfect" Jac mustered once she was certain that she wasn't going to end up in a heap on the ground.

"Maybe you should go and sit down for a bit" Mo suggested gently, and Jac gave her a slight nod in response. She knew that it was probably the best thing to do and as much as she hated taking advice, it was needed. Slowly she walked away from the desk and in the direction of her office. As she approached the corridor, she yelped as a pain caught her unawares and forced her to bend double. Pressing her foot hard in to the sole of her shoe she tried to anchor herself to the ground and she clenched her eyes tightly shut as she waited for it to pass.

Straightening herself, she managed to walk a few more steps before the pain returned and she let out a strangled cry that she hoped nobody heard. She felt an arm circle her back and once the pain had passed, she allowed the person to guide and support her as they walked towards the office. Jac didn't even think to look at who the person was as she was blinking rapidly to try to prevent the pained tears slipping from her eyes.

Once inside the office, another pain hit causing her to leaning heavily on her desk, her hands tightly gripping it's surface and her eyes closed tightly. Her breathing was ragged and shallow as she tried to keep a hold of herself. Finally she was able to push herself back in to her chair and to sit, finally looking at her rescuer.

"You don't seem better to me" Jonny spoke quietly from his position in the doorway, Jac could see the concern in his eyes and though she tried to ignore it she knew it because of how he felt towards her.

"It's nothing Jonny – just period pains" she answered, though she knew he wouldn't believe her. She'd used the reason far too many times now when trying to make excuses to him. He stepped a little bit closer to her and she forced herself not to cry out as she felt another wave of pain sweep across her. As the pain abated a little, she rifled in a draw before bolting back some painkillers.

"You could barely walk Jac" He replied, his voice soft with a slight hint of hurt. She wished she could talk to him but she was scared. She desperately wanted to continue thinking she was doing this for this best to protect Jonny but she was starting to wonder if this was just a lie she was telling herself.

"It's fine, I'm dealing with it" She responded, her eyes watering slightly with pain though she was trying desperately to keep it in. She didn't want his sympathy or his pity. It had killed her to see him acting normal but having him here feeling sorry for her was almost harder to bear.

"Let me in Jac" he said coming round to her side of the desk and kneeling in front of her. She wanted nothing more than to let him wrap his arms around her and hold her tight. She knew he couldn't protect her from the pain but she was certain he could help her cope.

"I can't" the words tore from her before she could stop them, "I'm doing this for you" she added quietly unsure if he'd even hear her. He looked up at her with his soft sweet eyes and she melted a little.

"For me? Jac I'm in hell" he answered, knowing that he was potentially leaving himself open to her anger. He'd hurt her badly and he knew it but he hadn't been able to apologise. He hadn't been sure how. "You've got what you've wanted, Jac, but one stupid mistake and I lose everything"

"You think this is what I want?" She asked, her expression childlike. Studying her up close Jonny was shocked by how fragile she looked. She looked briefly around her office before gazing down at her shaking hand which was massaging her now aching – but thankfully not cramping – abdomen.

"You've got your job, your funding, everything you've worked for" he watched as she considered this before she shook her head at him sadly.

"That's not everything though is it?" She said, her voice sad, "for a long time I thought it was but" she looked up at him with tears glistening on the ends of her eye lashes. She wished she could explain everything to him.

"but things have changed?" he questioned, suddenly curious. He wanted her to let him in, to understand what was going on inside of her head and heart.

"What you said to me" she shook her head sadly, he could see the pain and hurt reflected in her eyes. The realisation of how much he'd hurt her was like a kick in the gut.

"I didn't mean it, I was frustrated, angry" he responded, unsure of whether he was saying the right or wrong thing, "you were trying to hurt me and I don't know it, it just came out" he watched her blink and trying to comprehend what he was saying.

"hurt me, hurt you" she whispered, "an old game, a defence only this time it went too far and struck too deep" her words were soft and frightened. As he spoke, she'd remembered things, the times she'd used that defence before, the times she'd hurt someone. Had she ever damaged someone as much as his words had damaged her? She was sure in that moment she had.

"It was the heat of the moment Jac" he replied, his voice lowering to match hers. She splayed her hand across her abdomen and smiled sadly.

"It was the wrong moment" she answered, "any other day and it probably would have rolled off my back, the ice queen Jac Naylor – who'd want a child with her, I'd pity the child of Jac Naylor with her stone cold heart" she added the retorts that he could have said, the words which rolled around in her head, tormenting her. Her entire body was shivering.

"That's not true Jac" he responded, pulled her towards him and holding her in his arms. She didn't pull away but instead she melted against him. He whispered in her ear that he was sorry and silently she said the same.


	5. Chapter 5

**I was neatening up my fic folders and found a heck load of parts written for this which I had almost forgotten I had written. There's a few things I need to alter but hopefully I will actually continue this and get it finished properly. I hope this is ok :)**

Jac wasn't entirely sure what the encounter in her office really meant for hers and Jonny's relationship but somehow they both ended up back at her flat that night. Jac couldn't help but notice how much warmer and homely it felt with his presence. After finishing a meal which somehow they'd put together from the meagre supplies, she'd had in her cupboards, she'd whispered softly asking if he wanted to stay the night with her. She wasn't really expecting anything, just the reassurance of his arms wrapped around her while she slept and knowing that he was nearby. He had whispered yes just as softly but told her that he had to slip back to his for a spare uniform for their shift tomorrow. She'd nodded and smiled, assured in the knowledge that she wouldn't be alone that night.

Once he'd gone, she slipped in to the bathroom and studied her face in the bathroom mirror. She was pleasantly surprised to see the improvement in her skin tone having avoided looking at herself to closely. She sighed a little, wondering how she was going to have a proper talk with Jonny about everything. She didn't want to do it tonight. She didn't want to be alone and she was terrified that he'd walk away as soon as he found out that she wouldn't be able to give him a family.

She ran a hand over her abdomen, wondering for a moment what it would feel like with the skin stretched and taunt with a growing baby. Would she love it while it was inside or would she struggle to bond with the baby? She wasn't exactly skilled in the love department and her own upbringing wasn't exactly a good lesson in how to parent. Perhaps she was right and not being a mother was blessing for any potential child. Perhaps that little voice in the back of her head was right.

But she'd been good with babies in the past. She knew that. Babies settled easily with her and she liked the weight of them in her arms, the way the baby melted in to them so it became like an extension of herself. To never experience that with her own child, tore her heart a little and she tried to push all thoughts of babies from her head. She didn't want to do this not tonight.

And yet she felt it, the sob escape from her throat. She watched in the mirror, as her own expression changed. Her mouth twitched downwards and her eyes welled with unshed tears. She tried to steel herself but it was no use, the tears began to trickle from her eyes and the occasional sob was pulled from her body.

Slowly she made her way from the bathroom unable to watch any longer. To watch your own barriers break down was painful. She walked slowly in to her bedroom, and her mind played cruel tricks on her causing her to imagine a cot and mobile nestled against the wall. She sobbed louder and fell in to her bed.

To add insult to injury, her stomach began to cramp and for the first time she allowed herself to cry with the pain of it. Her body folded in to the foetal position, wracked with sobs which ripped her to shreds and pain which stole her breath away.

This was how Jonny found her, he'd heard the sobbing as soon as she stepped foot in to the flat and he ran to her. She was breaking before his eyes and he was terrified. Gently, he lowered himself on to the bed and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her body against his. She melted against him, allowing him to hold her as she sobbed.

"endometriosis" she whispered between sobs, "I have endometriosis" and with that she broke entirely


End file.
